Right?

When you're little, there are right choices and there are wrong choices. Example of a right choice: listening to your teacher. Example of a wrong choice: trying to fit your entire fist into your mouth during social studies. Most kids have a pretty good grasp over whether they're making a right choice or a wrong choice.  This makes my job easy because all I have to say is "What did you do?" and they usually give it all up, pouting their heads into their arms and sobbing out, "I tried to put the math manipulatives up my nose."

Not so when you are adult. Yes, there is still right and wrong but much fewer people to police the decision you are making. In elementary school, people help you choose the books you read and the lunches you eat. "That story's too easy for you," they say. "Eating too many jelly beans will give you a belly ache." As a grown-up, it's all gone. You're left to make your choices on your own and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. How are we supposed to know whether we're on the right track when we don't have a clip chart or a report card?

I got to thinking about it this week mainly because I was getting a little freaked out about submitting my law school deposit (which I did today). Eek. It didn't help when a rather distant acquaintance informed me at TFA learning teams that "This is, like, the worst time EVER to go to law school." Really? No way. I thought going into six figures of debt was ALWAYS a good decision (and, on a side note, it's not a very good time to do anything right now, including find a job, buy gas, or visit Japan... so what's your point?). It got me more freaked out. How am I sure I'm doing the right thing? How do I know?

Well, to start, I don't know. And I don't think I'll ever know. That's a hard thing to accept, especially for a crazy planning organizing psycho like myself. I don't go to sleep without planning out what I'm going to eat the next day, so you can imagine how frequently I've tried to map out my life. It hardly ever works that way, because something always gets in the way. And if it doesn't, you're spending the whole time wondering when something MIGHT get in the way. I'm trying to do that with my next steps and I had to remind myself last night that things might never work out the way I plan for them to. And sometimes they might work out exactly the way I plan for them to. There's just no way of knowing for sure.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've decided to just pretend I know for sure. To go at it blind. To move forward with such confidence in purpose that only good things can happen to me because I refuse to see them as anything else. TFA had this silly icebreaker game from Minute to Win It on Monday. Before it even started, I knew I was going to win. Why? Because you won a plastic egg full of candy and I wanted it. Because I'm competitive. But mostly because I made my mind up that I was going to do it. I didn't know how- though I love cookies I've never practiced moving them around my body using twitching motions- but I did end up winning. And devouring the stupid egg.

I know not everything works like that, but I think the mindset helps. Hey, I went into teaching like that and look where it got... oh crap.

This post is rambling on, but I'm convinced that if I've made it this far relying on my gut and a whole lot of faith, I'll be just fine.