And Of Course...

What would Christmas be without some Office quotes?  Getting Season Six on DVD really put me in the mood.

"'But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?'
'Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.'"

"Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for these people and they freak-out. Well happy birthday Jesus, sorry your party's so lame."

"Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say 'Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.'"

And, saving the best for last...
"Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time."

More Phantom Tollbooth Wisdom

I posted a long time ago about the doldrums of March, doldrums being a term inspired by one of my favorite childhood novels The Phantom Tollbooth.

Recommending it to a friend, it prompted me to look again at my copy of the book (15 years old and smelling as wonderful as all old books smell) and requote my favorite parts.

"You may not see it now, but whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way."

"Remember also, that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach.  But someday you'll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow."

Reinvigorated

Official second-year TFA programming began this week.  I was not ready.  I forgot what it was like to work 12 hours a day for a whole week (I was in my school too) and I shouldn't have been surprised when I found myself asleep on a Friday night before 11:00.

BUT- and I know this is cheesy, but bear with me- I'm feeling like I should change the "Fear/Dread" portion of my teaching graph to "Reinvigoration."  Which spell check just told me is not a word... oh well.  The program staff in Charlotte is very "excited" (a much overused adjective in this region) to be starting this year off on a different foot.  I'll admit that I was pretty jaded and grouchy and skeptical about it the first day of programming, but yesterday was actually extremely motivating and- I'll use the word again- reinvigorating.

The whole mission has become much more urgent in that they're stressing significant change in EVERY classroom of EVERY corps member without excuses.  I've felt many times that Charlotte a city where if you want to escape from that guilt you feel about your kids being two grade levels behind or living in extreme poverty or not having the love and support that every child deserves, you can do it.  It's easy.  So in some ways, as hard as I worked last year, I checked myself out from it and eventually lost sight of what I was trying to do from the beginning.

My program director is really cheesy when she meets with us, using a lot of quotes and youtube videos set to inspirational music and all of that.  I'm including two below so that you all can feel as motivated as I feel right now.  Maybe it's about going to the gym instead of public education, but whatever- I won't judge.

More Inspirational BS

Okay, this is the last time today.  I'm working on my classroom theme for next year and I came across this quote (which I LOVE):

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, well-preserved body but rather to skid in broadside thoroughly used-up, totally worn out proclaiming, "Wow! What a ride!"
-James Holmes

The syntax bothers me, but I like what it's saying.

Inspiration Boards

My cheesy roommate has gotten me hooked on the idea that if we surround ourselves with reminders of the kind of people we want to be, it will keep us motivated and focused on the end result.  SO this weekend I was busy cutting pictures out of magazines that embodied the things I was striving to achieve.  (Note: an excellent procrastination technique for actually taking steps to becoming the kind of person you want to be).

My boyfriend just laughed at me, especially because I spent ten minutes of our Skype date showing him my "inspiration board" by holding it 2 inches away from my webcam.  But it's an interesting concept to think about, whether all that positive thinking and association really works.  Whether just thinking results in actually becoming.

There's a book that a lot of people bought into (and made fun of) called "The Secret," focused around the power of positive thinking.  It used the idea of a concept board too, asserting that if you just thought about the things you wanted, asked for the things you wanted, went as far as pretending you already had these things, they would just come to you.  Think about big checks coming, and big checks would start coming, conveniently arriving right in your mailbox!

This new age kind of thing is easy to criticize and laugh about-  after all, if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it and everyone would have just what they wanted, right?

But I think if you strip away all the gimmicky stuff about getting money or the perfect man or the perfect job, if you look at the idea, you can find a lot of support for it in other places.  All those sayings that coaches deal out to their players, the proverbs e-mailed by nonprofit organizations to their supporters, the Hallmark cards celebrating hard work and effort, Michael Jordan's quote books- they all say the same thing.

       "The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible."
       "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."
       "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

Then I found this one (which really just made me laugh, AND think of my roomie):

       "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, 
        but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

The place I see this idea put in practice more than anywhere else, though, is in religion- another thing my roommate has sucked me into.  Last week, I went with her to this thing in Charlotte for young Christians to get together and do whatever it is that young Christians would want to do on a Tuesday night.  We had to go to a bar afterward to take the edge off for me.  Anyway, the session topic was all about having faith that God is going to provide you with the things you need as long as you keep living your life in the Christian way.

Aside from the overwhelming religious message in the whole thing, it really made me think about this idea of faith.  Not necessarily faith in God, but faith in general.  So much of the time people define faith in a religious way.  But really, what is the difference in faith put in God and faith put in something else?  Wherever you are applying it- whether you have an unshakable faith in the goodness of people, in the loyalty of your friends, family, and lovers, in yourself- it really has the same kind of effect.  Generally, people who have strong faith in their friends have pretty good friends.  People who believe in humankind are going to look at life through that lens and generally will focus on the things that affirm that faith and downplay the things that do not.  People who love themselves and think highly of themselves are usually going to be pretty pleased with themselves.

To me, the idea is that positive thinking and faith works because you believe it will.  You're making an active choice to see things a certain way, and usually, that works.

So I'm going to keep looking at my inspiration board, willing myself to have a six pack like the one I cut out, and dancing around in booty shorts and a sports bra to get my butt nice and tight.  Positive thinking like that works, right?

The Doldrums of March

Milo and Tock from The Phantom Tollbooth

The Phantom Tollbooth is one of my favorite childhood books, SUCH a favorite that even talking about it makes me want to drive to a bookstore and buy it so that I can re-read it (for about the millionth time).  Lately, the only way I've been able to describe the month of March has been as "the Doldrums," a colorless place in the book where thinking and laughing are not allowed.  Here's a little piece of the book to let you know what it's like (spoken by the Lethargians, who live in the Doldrums):


------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well, if you can't laugh or think, what can you do?" asked Milo.


"Anything as long as it's nothing, and everything as long as it isn't anything," explained another. "There's lots to do; we have a very busy schedule- at 8 o'clock we get up, and then we spend from 8 to 9 daydreaming.  From 9 to 9:30 we take our early midmorning nap.  From 9:30 to 10:30 we dawdle and delay.  From 10:30 to 11:30 we take our late early morning nap.  From ll:00 to 12:00 we bide our time and then eat lunch.  From l:00 to 2:00 we linger and loiter.  From 2:00 to 2:30 we take our early afternoon nap.  From 2:30 to 3:30 we put off for tomorrow what we could have done today.  From 3:30 to 4:00 we take our early late afternoon nap.  From 4:00 to 5:00 we loaf and lounge until dinner.  From 6:00 to 7:00 we dillydally.  From 7:00 to 8:00 we take our early evening nap, and then for an hour before we go to bed at 9:00 we waste time.  As you can see, that leaves almost no time for brooding, lagging, plodding, or procrastinating, and if we stopped to think or laugh, we'd never get nothing done."


"You mean you'd never get anything done," corrected Milo.


"We don't want to get anything done," snapped another angrily; "we want to get nothing done, and we can do that without your help."


"You see," continued another in a more conciliatory tone, "It's really quite strenuous doing nothing all day, so once a week we take a holiday and go nowhere, which was just where we were going when you came along. Would you care to join us?"


"I might as well," thought Milo; "that's where I seem to be going anyway."


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It's not that I've been doing nothing all month, and it's not like I haven't been thinking or laughing at all this month, but I'm definitely ready for Spring Break (and spring weather).  I can only hope that a giant dog with an alarm clock as a body comes to rescue me, or I get a note addressed to "Sara, who now knows the way."


I would make this post longer, but I really think I need to go buy this book again.

Little Bit of Wisdom

My behavior tech. told me today after I mentioned how frustrating management was for me right now something quite wise. It's something my yoga instructor has said before too.

Before being hard on yourself for where you are, remember where you started. Give yourself credit for your hard work and growth. It's easy to become discouraged when you don't feel like you're at the top, but you'll lose motivation if you don't acknowledge how far you've come.

Just some wisdom shared via Blackberry on my commute home :). (See mom- I do blog on my phone!)

Courage

A quote, courtesy of my father:

"Courage does not always roar; sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying,

'I will try again tomorrow.'"

The Importance of Running

I never liked running. Or athletics. Throughout my life, I have never considered myself to be an athletic person despite participating in sports and working out regularly. Part of the reason was my stubborn resistance to proving my parents right. Both are athletes who became gym teachers, my father a former marathoner and my mother a petite swimmer who sometimes practices her butterfly stroke on vacations, her aging arms slowly churning the water with the awkward motions of the movement. She, like my father, wears sneakers and lightweight sweat suits, mostly navy and black. Their occupations and general outlook on life are defined by this idea of being active, of competing in and following sports of all kinds, something that served as a major source of anxiety throughout my childhood and adolescence.

One event sticks out in my mind, a time that I'm still not sure if I actually remember it or if I have just heard the story so many times that I have internalized it as a tangible life experience. There I was, a nine-year old with a bad bowl cut, coming downstairs on a weekday and plopping myself down at our kitchen table. I let out an overdramatic sigh of surrender. My nine year old sigh was soaked in desperation, the kind of sigh that begs to be asked about.

“Sara,” my father had said. “What’s wrong?”

Again, the sigh was forced out. “It’s Wednesday.”

He was confused. “What’s wrong with Wednesdays?”

“It’s gym day.” I picked at my cereal. This is probably the last thing a P.E. teacher wants to hear their child to think, much less say out loud. Luckily, I’ve progressed from that day, learning slowly about the merits that fitness and athleticism had to offer.

It has taken me a long time to realize the importance of running. Going into college, I never thought I would be able to call myself an athlete, but a few years and couple hundred hours on the volleyball team forced me to become one. Still, I never got into running, pushing it away because I couldn't handle the type of endurance and mindset needed to be successful at it.

It wasn't until I reached a point in my life where I found myself hopelessly unhappy- unhappy with how I looked, with how I felt about myself, with how others saw me- that I found myself aching for something to pull me back up to a healthy state of mind. That something was running.

I started running while I was studying abroad in Italy, a semester away after a rough year involving my own personal struggles with body image and self-confidence. I didn't run that frequently- two to three times a week around a four mile loop on the Tiber River- but something about that semester changed me. Aside from gaining almost 20 pounds due to the excessive amounts of pesto, pizza, and red wine, I came back feeling completely different about myself. I was convinced the running had nothing to do with it, that the transformation came from the laid back Italian lifestyle and feeling of independence I cultivated while I was there.

But the running part stayed with me, increasing to five times a week. I ran my first race that summer. During all those miles I put in, I finally started to get it.

As long as I had thoughts to fuel my wanderings (and I have a lot of thoughts), I felt like I could run for hours. No wonder runners are so crazy. All they have to do on those outings was THINK. Just think. The only thing with you on those runs are your thoughts. And while running, I finally sorted my thoughts on the subject to figure out why it was so important. Here they are, as random as they came into my head:


-Sometimes there is merit in running away from things. Negativity, norms that hold you back, mindsets that keep you from loving yourself- there is no shame in running away from these things, so long as you are running towards things that are good for you.

-What a difference purpose makes. Run to a destination, and you always have to run back. Always. Run randomly, in circles, following back in steps you've already taken- you will never run as far, or as long, as when you run with a purpose and a destination in mind.

-You can always go faster. Or farther. Or longer. Very rarely do we push ourselves to our limits, and running reminds me of that. I just keep thinking, "A little faster. A little farther. A little longer." And usually, if I'm willing to put in the effort, I can do that.

-Running gives you balance. It's the one time in a day where it's just you, nobody else. You determine your pace (or lack of pace), you determine how hard you work. It's not that you can't make excuses, because frequently, you do. But every time that happens, you know it's an excuse. Every little "I just ate" or "I didn't get a lot of sleep" or "My leg's bothering me" lets you stop, but deep down you KNOW you're making excuses. I find myself doing that, justifying why I'm stopping or slowing down or going back home. But the bottom line is that I am in full control of whether I accept those excuses or overcome them, and that feeling of power allows me to gain confidence in myself when other parts of my life seem hopeless.


It would be dangerous if I could run and write at the same time. This entry would be much longer and more sporadic if that were possible. The bottom line is that I value running more now that I haven't been able (or willing) to do it. I miss that feeling of sweating out troubles, or just letting my mind go crazy while my feet hit the pavement. Even though I never ran all that fast, or fast at all, I have never given it enough credit in changing the way I thought about myself. That's where I found the importance of running.

Other Pieces of Teacher Wisdom, Quoted

"I’ve come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized."
- Dr. Haim Ginott

"We learn by teaching."
- James Howell

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement, nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
- Helen Keller

"A very wise old teacher once said: 'I consider a day's teaching wasted if we do not all have one hearty laugh.' He meant that when people laugh together, they cease to be young and old, master and pupils, jailer and prisoners. They become a single group of human beings enjoying its existence."
- Gilbert Highet (I had this moment when I completely tanked on the new version of the alphabet song and had my kids in hysterics)


And finally, a piece of wisdom from the wisest person I know-

"Don't drink too much."
- my mother

Well, um, Actually a Pretty Nice Little Saturday

A much needed break this weekend. Getting home on Friday night I went into a four hour coma, only to wake up and have a date with my roommates, our couch, a huge bowl of guacamole, and a Blue Moon. YUM. Follow that with another 11 hours of sleep and you've got one recharged human being for the next morning.

I met with my Program Director at Starbucks to talk over the first week. She popped in on Thursday morning to observe my classroom (after a frantic e-mail on Wednesday night) and we talked a lot about how to make my room better and what to do if situations like Tuesday and Wednesday's happen again. I felt great afterward, so I decided to celebrate by buying two pairs of totally impractical stilettos with money that I don't have. When I say impractical, I mean that one pair is only appropriate for going OUT on the town (something I'll be doing so much, judging from my 7 pm bedtime Friday night). I proceeded to take a nap, take a shower, and curl my hair for a little over an hour. In short, I did NOTHING and it was absolutely glorious.

There was a TFA party in NoDa for three of our corps members' birthdays, and it was good to talk to other people who had problems in their first week too... made me feel a little less like a failure since everyone I had talked to before that had only thumbs up about everything they did. There was one college moment when Backstreet Boys and Journey came on, and it made me miss it (and the lack of responsibility, and the generally higher coolness level of my life).

BUT it's also energizing to think about what I'm doing now, even though it's hard as hell and I suck at it, because in the end I'm going to be doing something for these kids that may completely alter their futures. If I get them on and above grade level after this year, then they have a better chance being at the same place for second grade, third grade, fourth grade, and every grade after that. In that way, I feel like I can close the gap before it even starts. Even if they don't remember first grade, I think this age sticks with you whether you realize it or not.

My first grade teacher, Mrs. Roth (an ancient old lady who smelled like coffee), wrote on my last report card of first grade that someday I would write the Great American novel. Now, clearly I'm not there yet, not even close, but I majored in creative writing, I love writing, and it's something I think about every day as a future option. It wasn't her that defined it as a major life path for me, but she sure did see it coming.

Maybe that's what I'll be for these kids, some invisible force behind their whole education driving them towards that future goal of theirs, whatever it might be. I'm ending this post with a quote my mom sent me this week after the second day (and meltdown number 2):

"In teaching you cannot see the fruit of a day's work. It is invisible and remains so, maybe for twenty years."
- Jacques Barzun

Ain't Nobody Gonna Die Today

The Nappy Roots song "Good Day" was the only thing that got me through this week. In case you couldn't judge from the first day post, it was not the easiest week. Probably the hardest one of my life.

The first two days were absolutely awful. My class, by the end of the first day, was out of control. I was overwhelmed and helpless (hence the cubby panic attack afterward). I had three tantrum throwers in my class, all of who needed constant attention. Try to tell them what to do, and they threw a fit. My attention was so focused on keeping those three at least semi-calm that other things broke down a little, so that when they DID explode, it was a disaster. The second day did not get much better. I had a bunch of people coming in and out of my classroom all day- my literacy facilitator/mentor, the '08 kindergarten teacher at my school, and one of our behavior technicians. Fit-thrower #1 had a meltdown in the morning and was screaming in the hallway with a TA for most of the morning. And when I say screaming, I mean the entire K-2 hallway heard her. The end of the day looked something like this- girl screaming and kicking under the listenening table, a boy crying on the carpet, and another boy face down in the reading area sobbing. THREE of the same type of challenges in one class.

Did I mention that my random seating chart had all of them at the same table?

DISASTER. I felt like a huge failure. To make matters worse, I didn't eat or drink water at all during those first two days because I'm with my kids ALL day. I looked like I had spent a few years in a desert without food, water, or sleep.

After school Wednesday, my principal called a 1st grade meeting and told us that my classroom was not working and that two of the three had to moved. I felt worse about that, feeling like I was getting bailed out and dumping all this work on my team members although the more I talk to people about it, the less I feel that way. Everyone knew these three had some emotional issues (one of them is classified as EC, which is special ed. in North Carolina) and combining them in the same class intensified all of those problems. It's like they were competing with each other for my attention, whether it was negative or positive.

So I'm left with one of the three, who is manageable by himself. I definitely have to adjust course with him because my classroom behavior system can set him off. I've talked to his mom about it, and she warned me about his manipulation skills (as did many other teachers). Today and Thursday were much, much better. No tears after the bus lot, actual LESSONS taking place in my classroom... all signs of improvement. And I'm realizing that (although TFA wants us to think that every single student action is a result of what we do) those kids acted that way because that is how they act, not necessarily because I was doing something wrong. At least not in the first day or two. Give me a week, and then misbehaviors will be my fault.

The best part about those kids being moved is that I can finally focus on the GREAT kids in my class. There are some real sweethearts and when it comes down to it, first graders are just so damn cute. They drive me crazy sometimes but they really are cute.

I've been really happy with how my interactions with parents have been going. I've called nine of the twenty-three, and so far, all of those that I talked to (including the ones I spoke to about bad behavior) were very supportive of me and really enthusastic about getting their kid back on track. That's probably why their kids get so upset for getting their color changed- their mommas will NOT let them hear the end of it.

So in short, I survived. I'm sure I'll think of some things that slid through the cracks, but as of now, I'm done.

We're gonna have a good day,
and all my homies gonna ride today,
and all these mommies look fly today,
and all I wanna do is get by today, heyyy
We're gonna have a good day,
and ain't nobody gonna cry today
'cause ain't nobody gonna die today
you can save that drama for another day, heyyy

we're gonna have a good day

Maybe Blogging Will Keep Me Sane

Everyone... come see how good my classroom looks!!!



Twas' the night before first grade...

So the Big Day is tomorrow, and right now I feel... fine, actually. Surprising since I had no fewer than four meltdowns yesterday. I think part of it is feeling a lot better about my classroom and materials being ready. It looks so cute!! Maybe I'll just ditch my plans and make my kids sit on the carpet and compliment my teacher craftsmanship. Or I can do what I did when I learned how to read- sit on them and read Are You My Mother?

My team was (once again) awesome today. Together they ran off all of my copies for the math curriculum for the next few weeks and answered approximately 748 questions. Then the other TFA '09 corps member in my school helped me out hanging up my number line. I got a crick in my back (I'm 80 years old apparently) and had to stop climbing up and down the cabinets to hot glue gun the individual pieces.

I think my mom has been recruiting people to call me and keep me going off the deep end. First, my godmother called me last night to tell me about how nervous she was her first day, and still is even after 13 years of teaching. When I told her how nervous I was about getting kids home, she was like, "Oh, things like that have a way of figuring themselves out. I lost one of my kindergartners after an assembly my first day." Basically, I need to remember that everyone makes mistakes.

Then I talked to my mom's college roommate for awhile at the very end of school today. There's a whole crew that comes along with her (her husband, son, and daughter, along with another family) and I've known them since birth. Seven of us kids, and not one of us turned out normal. Usually, we go on a big vacation in August, renting a beach house and wreaking havoc by setting off fireworks (okay, maybe that's just Chris), but this year, the parents left the kids behind for a week in Vegas. Psh. We wanted to teach them a lesson, but none of us has any money to finance a trip capable of making them jealous of us. I'm missing all of them like crazy, especially knowing that are yearly New Year's Eve celebration may not be happening. Sad stuff.

But anyway, back to the phone call- she's a teacher in the NYC public school system, and she had a lot to say to boost my confidence. Mainly that the kids will love me and think I'm beautiful. I was hoping for that, because every once in awhile a girl needs a self-esteem lift. But really, all she had to say was extremely helpful and calming. For some reason, it makes me feel a lot better knowing that EVERYONE freaks out their first day of teaching. Maybe it's not feeling better but just accepting the inevitable.

Then of course, my dad called me from Manhattan, where he's taking my little brother to school to be an all-star laxer. He's so much more practical than I am. And he calls me out when I get upset over "stupid shit" (i.e. poorly laminated nameplates). I'll end this post with his best advice.

"Just remember- it's the greatest job in the world."

"When it comes down to it, no matter who you're teaching, you're smarter than them. You can always pull that card."

"Shut up and run."

Okay, maybe that last one didn't happen in our most recent conversation, but part of me wants to take that bit of advice and run away to South Carolina or something. Gah. Wish me luck.