"Can I Sleep in the School Tonight?"

Thursday wasn't all that bad, looking back. Actually a really cute/funny conversation happened between my class and me. I was very mad at them for taking such a long time going to the bathroom after lunch. They were messing around, being loud, being... annoying. It's the part of the day I dread the MOST and it's so stupid but really- bathroom breaks are the worst.

Anyway we were supposed to be in side for "physical activity" (aka recess) time and I had a fun little activity planned for them but I decided to read them that book, Big Plans, instead. Then I had a talk with them about how important it was to listen to me. See below (M is me, K is my kids, italics are my added asides):

M: How many of you have big plans to learn how to read this year?

K raise hands half-heartedly, not really paying attention

M: I'm serious!! Do you wanna learn how to read??

K get excited: Yes!!!!!

M: Well let me let you in on a little secret... come closer. Closer! (at this point I'm whispering) I KNOW how to teach kids to read. I'm an expert (psh okay Sara, keep dreaming. But fake it for the kiddies) and that's why it's so important for you to listen to me and pay attention and follow directions. I'm so excited to teach you how to read, but you all have to work hard and do what I say because I know what I'm doing.

K don't really say anything, so I keep going.

M: You don't even WANT to know what time I get here in the morning to make sure I'm ready to teach you how to read. I don't want your little brains to know because you're still all warm and snug in your beds dreaming when I'm at school. I don't even want to tell you.

K, yelling randomly: What time?? What time?!
Is it dark?
Is it cold?
What time?!?!

M: I don't even want to tell you. And you don't want to know what time I leave the school. Oh man, if you knew what time I stopped working hard and left the school, you would not even believe me.

K, yelling: Oh my gosh!! When? When do you leave?
Do you eat dinner here?
When when when?!

M: I won't tell you. It is just too late. And then, after I leave, when I get home after working so hard ALL day long to make sure I can teach you all how to read, do you know what I do?

One K: You take a little nap because you've been workin' all day? (hahahahha yeah right)

M: NOO!! I KEEP working!! Because I really want to teach you all to read. Do you wanna learn?!

K: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!


hahahaha what a moment. Almost as good as when my "behavior challenge" (I'm going to call him Jordan from now on) told me at the end of the day that he wanted to sleep in the school.

At Least the Lunch Lady Told Me I was Pretty

Great morning, breakdown after lunch. Ugh. Will I ever get this teaching thing right?

Light at the End of the Tunnel

...or lull in the storm, clearing in the clouds, other overused cliche...

Today was a pretty great day. I think because my one "behavior challenge" kid was sick so I could really focus on the rest of the class. Not that I even did that good of a job with that, because I'm still letting way too much go with discipline. Ugh. I need to become much more explicit with what I want them to do, because 6 years olds can't really do anything unless they have exact directions. They're cute as hell, but tell them to stand in line and they'll look at you like you have 17 arms or something.

Anyway, the calm (er) day gave me a chance to actually look beyond the very minute I was teaching in to what the rest of the year would be like- what it will be like once I finally settle in. I'm starting to feel a lot more comfortable in front of my kids and I think the renewed confidence is making me a much better and more consistent teacher. And it's only day 7!

I need to get to that point though. Right now I'm just waiting for it to happen, and while I know that some of it will just come, I need to start working to make myself better for my students. I've been very self-centered about this whole process, and I think now I'm realizing the things that I have to provide for them

Looking for a book in my library, I stumbled on the Dr. Suess beginner book "I Can Read With My Eyes Shut." The inside cover was marked with my parents writing- "To Sari: never stop reading. Love, Mommy and Daddy."

Do these kids have that in their lives? Will they ever? Some of them do. Some of them APPEAR to have that, but who knows what's really going on. It's my job to be that person in their life now. Big shoes to fill. I should go plan.

My Brain is a Puddle

Can barely think right now due to multiple complicating/frustrating/emotional circumstances.

#1: Creepy downstairs neighbor Randy's bumping music. Why are you playing Poker Face as high as it can go at 8:30 on a Tuesday night? (it is Tuesday right?) Seriously. Our floor is vibrating. It's making it very difficult for me to staple together my decodables.

#2: These goddamn decodables. Tear them out, fold, staple, repeat. x21. x however many freaking decodables my little children have to read this year. And the illustrations- the one I just did had a little boy/girl that was a mixture between androgynous and demonic. Like a transgender Chucky or something. Eek.

#3: Sickness. It's summer, and I have a cold. That's always bugged me- being sick when it's warm and sunny out. For some reason I feel like that should make everyone immune to any kind of illness (clearly not true).

#4: Fatigue. Maybe if I was a normal person and didn't take 25 minutes to eat my little bowl of oatmeal in the morning I wouldn't have to wake up at 4:15. Oh yes, you heard me correctly- 4:15. This little girl needs to leave for work at 5:25 every day and if she isn't able to get in a relaxing game of Freecell before she goes, so help her.

#5: Freecell. Not so much the game, but the fact that I don't have time to finish my games. I can't X out of them because that would ruin my picture perfect 100% win rate. Yes, 100%. I work hard for that, and take pride in it.

#6: Impulsive purchases, along the lines of plane tickets that depart in less than 100 hours. That sort of thing (you know, much needed visits with people that I love love love) brings me up from the "I-woke-up-at-four-am-and-have-sneezed-16-times-in-ten-minutes" slump, but then realizing I have to plan and discipline my babies tomorrow, and Thursday, and Friday before that can happen makes it even more depressing.

#7: The whole teaching thing. Up and down. I think I'll like it once I stop sucking so bad. It's not even so much that I suck, but more so that I'm not really all that good. I don't know if it's the age group or me- probably a little bit of both. My mother (wow I really make her sound like a guru on this thing) tells me that in elementary school the adage is that September is a wasted month- kids take that long to get used to being in school and having a teacher that disciplines them. Good to know, because right now I don't feel as if they're really learning anything aside from the fact that Miss Fiorillo doesn't eat, drink, or go to the bathroom. Pretty soon they're going to start thinking that I live in my teacher cubby (in a week, they may be correct...)

Bedtime. No more emo fragmented sentences for the night, hope you can all survive.

Other Pieces of Teacher Wisdom, Quoted

"I’ve come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized."
- Dr. Haim Ginott

"We learn by teaching."
- James Howell

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement, nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
- Helen Keller

"A very wise old teacher once said: 'I consider a day's teaching wasted if we do not all have one hearty laugh.' He meant that when people laugh together, they cease to be young and old, master and pupils, jailer and prisoners. They become a single group of human beings enjoying its existence."
- Gilbert Highet (I had this moment when I completely tanked on the new version of the alphabet song and had my kids in hysterics)


And finally, a piece of wisdom from the wisest person I know-

"Don't drink too much."
- my mother

Well, um, Actually a Pretty Nice Little Saturday

A much needed break this weekend. Getting home on Friday night I went into a four hour coma, only to wake up and have a date with my roommates, our couch, a huge bowl of guacamole, and a Blue Moon. YUM. Follow that with another 11 hours of sleep and you've got one recharged human being for the next morning.

I met with my Program Director at Starbucks to talk over the first week. She popped in on Thursday morning to observe my classroom (after a frantic e-mail on Wednesday night) and we talked a lot about how to make my room better and what to do if situations like Tuesday and Wednesday's happen again. I felt great afterward, so I decided to celebrate by buying two pairs of totally impractical stilettos with money that I don't have. When I say impractical, I mean that one pair is only appropriate for going OUT on the town (something I'll be doing so much, judging from my 7 pm bedtime Friday night). I proceeded to take a nap, take a shower, and curl my hair for a little over an hour. In short, I did NOTHING and it was absolutely glorious.

There was a TFA party in NoDa for three of our corps members' birthdays, and it was good to talk to other people who had problems in their first week too... made me feel a little less like a failure since everyone I had talked to before that had only thumbs up about everything they did. There was one college moment when Backstreet Boys and Journey came on, and it made me miss it (and the lack of responsibility, and the generally higher coolness level of my life).

BUT it's also energizing to think about what I'm doing now, even though it's hard as hell and I suck at it, because in the end I'm going to be doing something for these kids that may completely alter their futures. If I get them on and above grade level after this year, then they have a better chance being at the same place for second grade, third grade, fourth grade, and every grade after that. In that way, I feel like I can close the gap before it even starts. Even if they don't remember first grade, I think this age sticks with you whether you realize it or not.

My first grade teacher, Mrs. Roth (an ancient old lady who smelled like coffee), wrote on my last report card of first grade that someday I would write the Great American novel. Now, clearly I'm not there yet, not even close, but I majored in creative writing, I love writing, and it's something I think about every day as a future option. It wasn't her that defined it as a major life path for me, but she sure did see it coming.

Maybe that's what I'll be for these kids, some invisible force behind their whole education driving them towards that future goal of theirs, whatever it might be. I'm ending this post with a quote my mom sent me this week after the second day (and meltdown number 2):

"In teaching you cannot see the fruit of a day's work. It is invisible and remains so, maybe for twenty years."
- Jacques Barzun

Ain't Nobody Gonna Die Today

The Nappy Roots song "Good Day" was the only thing that got me through this week. In case you couldn't judge from the first day post, it was not the easiest week. Probably the hardest one of my life.

The first two days were absolutely awful. My class, by the end of the first day, was out of control. I was overwhelmed and helpless (hence the cubby panic attack afterward). I had three tantrum throwers in my class, all of who needed constant attention. Try to tell them what to do, and they threw a fit. My attention was so focused on keeping those three at least semi-calm that other things broke down a little, so that when they DID explode, it was a disaster. The second day did not get much better. I had a bunch of people coming in and out of my classroom all day- my literacy facilitator/mentor, the '08 kindergarten teacher at my school, and one of our behavior technicians. Fit-thrower #1 had a meltdown in the morning and was screaming in the hallway with a TA for most of the morning. And when I say screaming, I mean the entire K-2 hallway heard her. The end of the day looked something like this- girl screaming and kicking under the listenening table, a boy crying on the carpet, and another boy face down in the reading area sobbing. THREE of the same type of challenges in one class.

Did I mention that my random seating chart had all of them at the same table?

DISASTER. I felt like a huge failure. To make matters worse, I didn't eat or drink water at all during those first two days because I'm with my kids ALL day. I looked like I had spent a few years in a desert without food, water, or sleep.

After school Wednesday, my principal called a 1st grade meeting and told us that my classroom was not working and that two of the three had to moved. I felt worse about that, feeling like I was getting bailed out and dumping all this work on my team members although the more I talk to people about it, the less I feel that way. Everyone knew these three had some emotional issues (one of them is classified as EC, which is special ed. in North Carolina) and combining them in the same class intensified all of those problems. It's like they were competing with each other for my attention, whether it was negative or positive.

So I'm left with one of the three, who is manageable by himself. I definitely have to adjust course with him because my classroom behavior system can set him off. I've talked to his mom about it, and she warned me about his manipulation skills (as did many other teachers). Today and Thursday were much, much better. No tears after the bus lot, actual LESSONS taking place in my classroom... all signs of improvement. And I'm realizing that (although TFA wants us to think that every single student action is a result of what we do) those kids acted that way because that is how they act, not necessarily because I was doing something wrong. At least not in the first day or two. Give me a week, and then misbehaviors will be my fault.

The best part about those kids being moved is that I can finally focus on the GREAT kids in my class. There are some real sweethearts and when it comes down to it, first graders are just so damn cute. They drive me crazy sometimes but they really are cute.

I've been really happy with how my interactions with parents have been going. I've called nine of the twenty-three, and so far, all of those that I talked to (including the ones I spoke to about bad behavior) were very supportive of me and really enthusastic about getting their kid back on track. That's probably why their kids get so upset for getting their color changed- their mommas will NOT let them hear the end of it.

So in short, I survived. I'm sure I'll think of some things that slid through the cracks, but as of now, I'm done.

We're gonna have a good day,
and all my homies gonna ride today,
and all these mommies look fly today,
and all I wanna do is get by today, heyyy
We're gonna have a good day,
and ain't nobody gonna cry today
'cause ain't nobody gonna die today
you can save that drama for another day, heyyy

we're gonna have a good day